This is a problem. I need to drink at least 6 days a week, but I currently have $8 in my checking account. There is no physical way I’m able to get turnt consistently given my lack of funds. Yeah, we all want to ball out and pop bottles of Crystal, but that is simply not happening. So, I have devised a system of calculating the cost per “standard” drink of any alcohol I buy. This way, I can drink in the most cost-effective way possible.
As a public service, I have compiled the top 5 ways to drink inexpensively:
5) Steel Reserve Malt Liquor
You might recognize 40oz bottles of beer as something you’ve heard in a 2 Chainz song, but, to those who have actually tried it, these oversized, high-alcohol beers are extraordinarily tasty and do a wonderful job of getting you drunk for the cost of an order of medium french fries. At about $3 per bottle (the equivalent of 5 normal beers) one can purchase a standard drink for a measly 57 cents.
4) Kirkland Light
You probably could have guessed that the notorious Kirkland Light (K-Lite) would make an appearance on this list. The college student Mecca, otherwise known as Costco, appeals directly to our needs by conveniently selling a 48 pack of beer at only $22. While Kirkland Light is certain to make an appearance at any worthy tailgate, the watery bread liquid costs a whole 45 cents per drink, which, if you’re a baller on a budget, might still be out of your price range.
For those of you who don’t know, Everclear is pure grain alcohol, the strongest on the market. It’s as close to pure ethanol as you can get without drinking something that is legally the equivalent of nail polish remover. While Everclear boasts a whopping 95% alcohol content (190 proof), it is still not the cheapest way for a dozen college students to get annihilated on a Tuesday night at about 42 cents per standard drink. Although, it does also double as an emergency fire starter in a pinch.
2) Burnett’s Vodka
The classic, inexpensive ‘senior in high school’ go-to, Burnett’s–also affectionately called Burnasty’s–is one of the cheapest forms of alcohol on the market. With flavors like ‘hot cinnamon’ and ‘maple syrup’, it’s no wonder how this brand of vodka has earned its stripes among college students. At around 35 cents per shot, buying a handle of Burnett’s may be the best–and worst–decision you’ve made all semester.
1) Franzia Boxed Wine
This is the part of the blog you scrolled to immediately. The most cost effective way to get drunk turns out to be the seemingly harmless, fruity wine we’ve all come to know and love. With each box containing 34 glasses of wine, Franzia is the best drunk for your buck in the alcohol world. Don’t let this wine’s fluffy packaging or delicious taste fool you, it will kill you if you drink enough of it. At over 13% alcohol content, it is no wonder that this wine comes down to a mere 32 cents per drink.
There you have it, I will only be drinking Franzia boxed wine until I get that high-paying dream job right out of college and can afford to ball like Diddy and pop bottles of Crystal on my private yacht.
You’re welcome, broke freshman.